A Little Christmas Silliness… Again

Hello all!

We had a little delay in our posting schedule this week, but in honor of the holiday season, I thought I’d share an older Christmas post that got a lot of positive response a couple of years ago. We hope you enjoy, and that you have the happiest of holiday seasons!

-Ben Keller



Detective Sergeant C. Andy Kaine

24 December

19:08 —  Det. Kaine arrived at crime scene.  Initial reports scattered, ranging from misdemeanor stalking to home invasion.  Victim reports interrupting would-be burglar.  Uniformed officers have circulated initial description of overweight man in red jacket and pants.  Patrol officers in vicinity given BOLO for vehicle pulled by unidentified livestock.

19:12 — Det. Kaine entered the victim’s dwelling.  Inspection indicated no sign of forced entry.  Inside the residence, the detective observed some sort of ritualistic decorations involving socks hanging over the fireplace.  Possible involvement of psychotropic drugs, as victim reports his children were experiencing hallucinations of a “dancing sugar plum.”  Ordered tox screens on the children and contacted Child Protective Services.

19:20 — Interviewed victim.  He claims he and his wife were sleeping when they were awoken by loud noises.  He heard something on the roof, then he heard a suspect calling his accomplices by name.  “Dancer.  Prancer.  Vixen.  Cupid.”  Sent uniformed officers to canvas local strip clubs.

19:30 — Inspected roof of dwelling.  Victim reported the suspect was walking on roof.  Ordered plaster molds of footprints found in snow.  One set of boot prints, several sets of hoof prints.  Contacted Animal Control.

19:45 — Sketch artist arrived and took description from victim.  Suspect described as obese, beard and mustache, and a weird look in his eyes.  Based on the Identi-Kit rendering, issued warrant for Zach Galifinakis.  

19:50  — Victim amended his description to say that suspect looked like a “bowl full of jelly.”  Ordered tox screen for victim as well.

20:05 — Child Protective Services arrived, and we interviewed victim’s children.  We learned of a potential witness to the alleged crime.  Children reported that a frequent visitor often surveilled the home and reported on actions inside.  Contacted Research Division to review Confidential Informant files for anyone with the street name “Elf on the Shelf.”

20:15 — Children also reported this “break in” was an annual occurrence.  They cited as evidence cookies they left out for the alleged perpetrator.  After each break-in, the cookies had been partially eaten.

20:20 — Found cookies on plate near ritually decorated tree.  It was two sugar cookies.  Frosted.  One bite had been missing from each.  Took plaster molds of cookies and summoned Forensic Dentist.

20:35 — Re-interviewed “victim.”  I obtained consent to visually inspect his teeth.  Confirmation from Forensic Dentist is pending, but the victim’s dental pattern appeared to match the bite marks in the cookies.  This looks like an inside job.  Took him to the station as material witness for additional questioning.  Some drugged up madman off the streets, children safely in the custody of the state.  It feels good to make a difference.  Merry Christmas.

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