Christmas Cheer

Bruce Robert Coffin here. In recognition of my many attorney friends I’ve composed a bit of Christmas cheer.

Dearest Santa,

My name is James Bradberry, and I am writing this letter on behalf of Little Johnny Mayhew. Mr. Mayhew has retained my services as counsel on the matter of his Christmas status. It has come to our attention that you may have inadvertently placed Little Johnny on the Naughty List. We hope that this is nothing more than an oversight on your part. It is our opinion that you should forgo your usual ground rules regarding said list for the following reasons:

First, although Little Johnny has admittedly made some questionable choices during the past year, selecting him for inclusion on the Naughty List seems a bit extreme. The regrettable incident involving the chewing gum was not entirely my client’s fault. It is our position that his sister also bore some of the responsibility for what ensued.

The baseball/broken window incident should not be held against him either. We believe that the parents were negligent in their failure to install something less prone to breakage than glass on the windows facing the side lawn. In addition, it is our considered opinion that Little Johnny should not be liable for any repairs as he is only seven and, as such, is currently unemployed.

Regarding the mud on the living room rug, we feel that Johnny’s father should have exercised due diligence in maintaining the grass near the side entry to the home. Had the lawn been properly maintained, it is unlikely that such a situation would have ever occurred.

Finally, as for the tiny misunderstanding on the school bus, we place the blame squarely on the shoulders of Mr. Greene, the bus driver. Had Greene paid any attention to keeping the aisle clear, the likelihood of Little Johnny’s foot being in a position to trip that other boy would have been negated.

Due to the reasons previously stated, we request that you correct your error immediately and remove Little Johnny’s name from the Naughty List. Additionally, we request that his name be considered for inclusion to the Nice List as soon as possible, where it should remain until after the twenty-fifth of December.

Should you decide not to comply with our request, we would ask for a stay of execution regarding the implementation of the Naughty List, insofar as Little Johnny is concerned, until such time as a hearing can be scheduled.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. We look forward to hearing from you at your earliest possible convenience.

Sincerely,

James Bradberry Esq.

Ps: I was wondering if you could check on my Christmas status?

6 thoughts on “Christmas Cheer

  1. JUDGE: Since I’m feeling compassionate as the holiday season approaches, I’ll allow the Juvenile Court to handle the crimes committed by Little Johnny and not have him tried as an adult.

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  2. SANTA: I forwarded your letter to my attorney, and she has assured me that I needn’t worry about a hearing on this matter because in personam jurisdiction over me will be impossible to establish because, as everyone knows, besides my very general “North Pole” address, nobody actually knows exactly where Santa’s workshop is. As such, all attempts at service of process will fail. That being said, all determinations of “naughty or nice” are made with full consideration of due process. It’s not like I’m operating some kangaroo/reindeer court, up here. As to your request for an evaluation of your Christmas status, I’ll get back to you as soon as I and the elves stop laughing.

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